Leading by example

In the distant past, I was an NCO in the USAF.

We were always told to lead from the front, by example. Integrity first was one of our core values. Always be honest, and always represent that honesty.

That's what makes reading my old post, only a little over a year old, so hard now.

They're all perfectly edited, no imperfection, trying to shovel a little capitalism down your throat to make a quick buck.

And that's just... not me.

I was a punk for most of my life.

My formative teenage years were a whirlwind of punk/alternative music, raves, and saying fuck the system.

Then, I became part of the system in adulthood.

While I wouldn't trade my military experience for something else, it evaporated some of that punk attitude. Professionalism and going along to get along became the norm. Don't have an opinion, just do your job, shut up and color.

Always present your perfectly curated persona if you want to get ahead. Become the perfect drone.

Then I had a brief period of time where I tried to get back who I was, but with a dignified level of maturity.

That didn't work out quite right. I had outgrown my adolescent mindset of fuck the system, but that didn't stop me from trying.

This only resulted in driving me to the lowest parts of my existence. Trying to fit in with the crowd. Allowing groupthink to dictate my decisions. Doing an inordinate amount of things that made my life worse for which I still pay the ramifications for today.

Again, it wasn't me. Just some dim vision of what I thought I wanted to be.

Then I went back to being the uber-professional.

It'd worked before, right? It could work again! If only I tried a little harder at it.

But, no, it wasn't real. It felt like being a clone of a clone. It shone through in everything I did now that I can look back on it with an honest, objective eye.

I crafted a fake, plastic persona, somewhere between a guru and a specialist, and I tried to sell that to people.

It didn't work.

Even the dumbest person can smell a lie like a fart in church.

They knew I was lying. It just took me time to realize I was lying to myself.

Fast forward to now, and I think I'm getting back to a true me.

Yeah, it's not always pretty, but it's real and, more importantly, true. It's not fake in the slightest.

I know what I believe in for the most part, but I also reserve the right to change my opinion on things which I frequently do.

I have some anger at the wasted time, but I also realize that it was part of the learning process. It can't be skipped. And each of us have to experience it in our time.

I still feel I'm professional, but not in a fake way. I actually matured into real level of professionalism. I'm not selling a lie. I'm giving away a truth.

Instead of hating myself when I look in the mirror, I'm beginning to like the person I am.

That's huge.

That's real progress.

That's leading from the front.